What to expect from grief
We all have expectations or thoughts about what is likely or normal for certain events in our lives. Highly emotional events like deaths and funerals seem to open a surprising can of worms in people who are usually confident that their hidden feelings are exactly that: hidden. But that is exactly what to expect from a situation that uses a stick of dynamite (grief) to blow open the safe that holds a trove of feelings, both happy, sad and painful.
How to cope
Grief can be very difficult for those who are intensely private in their feelings. Particularly in a society that does not feel comfortable with overtly expressed grief or sadness, these people who could be you or your elderly parents may be embarrassed when they can’t contain those emotions. Understanding how we and others react goes a long way towards coping with it when it happens. This includes the buried memories of years gone by that inexplicably demand attention now that the person concerned has passed away. When a gate is unlocked, there may be a queue waiting to get out. Who has lived a life free of hurt feelings or sad memories?
It is also normal for grief to be expressed in utterly different ways, from an outpouring of noisy obvious grief, to complete silence, even seeming indifference.
Introverted grief
If you are concerned that someone you love is not dealing with their grief because you haven’t seen any reaction, just remember there are those who grieve inwardly, whose reaction seems like a non-reaction, but are still quietly coping with their loss. Loss takes time to be felt, to become accustomed to its presence and to acquire a new way of living that encompasses that loss. These individuals may need to process their journey within, which means they don’t want to talk it through. Others who do need to talk it through and cry openly, need to be aware that introverted grief processing is equally a way of coping with loss.
Waking up from grief
People have described a sense of ‘coming out of a dark cloud’ or a sense that they are emerging from a kind of sleep when the blanket of grief finally lifts. It doesn’t mean the loss is no longer felt, just that the heaviness has lifted and life can be lived again without feeling like treading water. It isn’t until the blanket lifts that people may realise they were even under it, that while they worked, talked, shopped, laughed, slept and lived, they were affected by it.
The sadness of loss has not gone, in fact there will still be unexpected tears and days or moments when a revisiting of the grief occurs. But there is a sense that life has moved into another phase.
Losing a child
The grief of losing a child is in a category of its own. It is not only the loss of the child but the loss of the future that was expected. It is the tearing of the fabric of your soul that has wrapped itself lovingly around your child, the caring and nurturing instincts cut short in the finality of death. For parents who lose their child grief can become a constant companion around which a new life fits in. Happiness is possible and outwardly people may think they have recovered, but the emotional scar often pulls and tugs painfully within when they witness other healthy children, listen to people talking about their babies, children and stories that might have been theirs to share as well.
Knowing this means we can all be more sensitive and understanding in their midst.
Grief counselling
When there seems to be no emerging from grief, counselling is really helpful in processing what may be a mountain of unresolved hurts and a confusion of feelings. Go to your local Doctor and talk about what is happening. It might be that you can’t stop crying, or that you can’t sleep. It may be that you can’t face going back to work, or being at work is unbearable. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have clinical depression and need medication. You are dealing with grief, the way you are experiencing it. A counsellor knows how to help you navigate a way through it all.
Grief is a natural reaction to loss which some of us need professional help with, and others can slowly work through with the love of family and friends. As a community, we can all be more sensitive and caring towards those we know are grieving when we understand the different faces of grief.
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